Anxiety

     Yeah, I'm a little anxious now. Not worried so much...just anxious. See, I recently queried North Star Press about publishing my nifty little mystery, FIRST MURDER.

     I haven't queried since blasting FERRIS BLUFF out last year and getting soundly rejected. (Note to self: do NOT query in the midst of a crippling recession) Still, I've been aware of this publisher for a while and FIRST MURDER seems to be a good fit for their catalog.

     What has me anxious beyond the usual writer's submission doubts is that (without giving too much away) the main story arc involves internet porn. That's right...no little-miss-goody-two-shoes in this book, no siree! Think Real Desperate Housewives of St. Paul in XXX Pay-Per-View full color streaming video.

     Okay, maybe not that intense...

     I worry that even touching on the subject of porn in Minnesota is the french kiss of death. This is the land of Minnesota Nice, not Minnesota Vice. And what will people think of ME...knowing I had to do the required research. I'm not proud of what I had to do, but research is research, damn it. I took one for the team (or looked at one for the team...whatever).

     I learned a few things along the way. For instance, did you know that it was internet porn that led to advancements in video streaming technology that now lead the way in making satellite dishes and cable TV obsolete? Within 5 years you'll be streaming all of your movies and TV shows...no porn required (thank God). Netflix is almost there with Amazon On-Demand and Hulu and a hundred others right behind.

     And did you know that internet porn has discovered the fountain of youth? They say Teen Porn--I see thirty year olds. Want to knock a few years off--do a little porn.

     I also discovered that to become 'HOT', apparently all you have to do is have big ol' jiggly jugs of silicone implanted in your bazooms. The Bigger the Hotter! And you don't even have to be all that good looking.

     Yes my friends,the power of the internet is immense. Apparently I'm not, though. Right after my research into the sordid world of pay-per-view porn the internet discovered that I am lacking. I mean, how do they know I need penile enhancement?

     I always thought I was...you know...you know...doin' alright. But somehow they know, and they're on a mission to see things set straight. Why, even a year after my research they still send me emails. They even send 2-for-1 offers. Penile enhancement cream and Viagra--package deals! (ba-dump-bump...thank you and good night...I'll be here all week)

     Good thing my computer has a pop-up blocker.